I'm new to this site and to posting on the Internet but I do not have much of a support group where I live now and have been continuously struggling with some career decisions since my divorce. When I was 18 I joined the military to get out of the house and work toward a career in medicine, I wanted to be a Pediatrician (since about age 12!) I have ALWAYS wanted to do mission work and bring health care to those who don't have quality healthcare available in 3rd world countries. I was an Advanced Laboratory Technician the 6 yrs. I was in the service.  When I was 21 I had my first son who was the result of a one night stand that ended up going where I did not want nor consent to it going! I love my son, he is the BEST thing that ever happened to me and amazes me still 11 years later daily! After I had him I was still determined to pursue my dream.  I worked full time in the Navy, stood my mandatory duties AND went to school more than 1/2 time! I was pulling straight A's, had a great family who helped out with him who are still some of my best friends and was doing great.....

Enter my ex-husband! At first he was great, I loved him, my son love him all was well! He too was in the Navy. We got married when my son was 6 and decided to have more children. I had gotten out of the Navy and was going to school full time at this point.  After we were married I was selected for an interview at the University of Washington Physician's Assistant school, however I was 5 months pregnant with my second son Tyler and was due the same month school started, the school said the program was too rigorous apply next year.  That was the plan, then my husband and I became saved and started our relationship with the Lord. We decided I would stay home with the children and go back when they were all in school! With great pleasure I became a stay at home mom!!!! I loved it, we had planned to have 4 children so when Tyler was 11 mo. old we found out I was pregnant with my 3rd son! When I was 7 months pregnant, had no recent job experience, my CPR card had expired and my experience was outdated, my husband left. He actually was put in a lock down military psychiatric ward for wanting to commmit suicide.  While in the hospital he served me. I had to find a way 7 months pregnant to take care of my children so I went to school using my GI Bill for income and got student loans to pay for the tuition and books.  The good news is I completed a Bachelor Degree even graduating with honors while going through a divorce, moving, raising two kids and having a baby! The bad news, I do not like the career it puts me in! I have a B.S. in Business Admin and Accounting.  I can't stand it! I have worked for a large international corporation for a year and currently work for a small CPA firm with 5 employees.  I am suppose to be working toward taking the CPA exam but I can NOT get motivated to do so!

I'm still single my children are 11,5 and 3 and the more life goes on the more STUCK I get! My 11 yr. old is BRILLIANT! He skipped 3rd grade and was in 8th grade math as a 6th grader. The public school system can not challenge him so he is in private school. He has a 80% scholarship but I still have to pay 2500/yr for that! He also plays football, runs track and is an absolute natural on the drums so he is in lessons for that. All these cost MONEY! My younget two are also involved, the 5 yr. old started soccer this year and the 3 yr. old is in music lessons he LOVES! Again, more MONEY! I also just bought a house for the first time, I"ve paid 12K of my moms mortgage while renting from her so why not pay on my own! I'm financially independent and responsible but BORED out of my mind with my work.  I have looked into nursing school but the cost and time are things I just don't feel I can do right now. I have a great job with mediocre benefits, great people and environment and flexible hours during non-tax season.  I have also checked into teaching they have a good program here in town but it requires you to be in class 40 hrs per week for 8 weeks two summers and one semester of student teaching which means, I cant work! Plus I found the pay chart for teachers locally and I can not raise three kids alone on that salary but I would love more than antyhing to have summers off with my children!!!! 

I feel so stuck, I am not the type to give up or quit anything but in all reality I don't have the time, money or physical stamina to keep up with my kids schedules, school, homework and work at this point.  I'm only 32 and know that this is the season for me to raise my kids but how can I joyfully go to work each day doing something I get NO fullfillment out of? I have had a hard time committing to ANYTHING since my divorce, signing the papers on the house brought me to tears of joy and FEAR! Fear of committing to a house, committing to where I"m living (I don't know if I really like it here!) Committing to being more STUCK than I already am! My son has really made some great friends and this is new since in the military we moved so much, he is so happy here! My youngest two did not go to preschool until they were 18 mo and 2 1/2 and have been in the same school ever since. I know after the divorce they need stability and I want to give them that since their dad left and we made a major move all in a short amount of time! My MAIN question on this post is career choices has anyone had experiences like this, getting into a career they did not enjoy or feel fullfilled doing? If so, how did you handle it? Sorry to be so long winded but I think the history of it all is helpful! If you read this far THANK YOU!!!!!! I'm looking forward to reading any wisdom you can share!

Thank you for the reply, I have been anxiously waiting and checking the board and getting a little discouraged! I love your ideas, journaling is an answer I get over and over but I am so afraid to journal, when I was young my mom read my journal and there were some real consequences since a lot of it was about her and what I thought about what she was doing. Ever since I get a journal and just write junk, not the real feelings. I am a grown woman, live in my own house and know she can not get a hold of it and she is not the focus anyways I am but that mental block is there! I will try this exercise, I've been waiting to start doing some morning "centering" until the class started Oct. 1st to see what Debbie has in store for us! I'm very excited to take advantage of this opportunity and hopeful about the results it will produce through her teachings and my work!  I have been in this "stuck" place since my divorce my whole plan was swept right out from under me since I was the one who was going to stay home and raise the kids, returning to school for what I want when they were all in school. WEll, they will all be in school in two years when my youngest gets to Kindergarten and although I'm working now I can take this time to figure out what it is I really stand for, want and who I am, me alone and stop living for everyone else! Again, thank you for your response I will take the advice and get myself a nice journal this weekend and set aside some time for that to see what happens! Have a wonderful and blessed weekend! Noelle

Dear Noelle:

I read your story and the other posts and I want to say to you the post from Laura "putting your kids first" might not be a first step. Your kids experience your frustration, your kids feel your pain, your kids learn from your example no matter how hard to try to paint a happy mom picture. To best help your kids, help yourself first. Another way to look at it is by re-reading your post. You are already completely devoted to your children and you are still  fearful and stuck so putting more emphasis on your children is not the first step. The advice from CK seems like a wonderful first step. Also, I have moved three states, three countries, and 5 jobs running away and trying to feel satisfied with work. The answer and location was within me all the time and once I identified my fear, with time and effort in loving myself I am finding peace daily no matter where I am and what work I'm doing.