Hi Katja,
Welcome to the message boards in this great community! The good news is that if you solve the cause, the symptoms go too. Have you figured out what the cause it yet, or do you keep quieting the symptoms, and don't yet know the cause?

Sharon

Hello. I would say don't let your dads mistakes become your own, learn from them. Sometimes people around us make mistakes and when we are fortunate enough to see those mistakes, we can learn a lesson from them, if we pay close attention. I can relate to what your saying and it's not easy to change, especially when you feel quilty about it and feel like you are wrong, selfish or don't derserve it. Just my two cents. :O)

Thanks for your replies butterfly and Sharon.

I know, we don't have that power. Maybe knowing it is not enough, I need to consciously be aware of that.

And I need to keep in mind, that if we have a lesson to learn, and we don't learn it, we will make more and more situations with the same lesson to be learned.

I came a long way, I praise myself for that, and I know I still have a long way to go, but I am moving. I know we all have the right to feel good about ourselves.

I don't think I quite understand your question. My dad was always trying to please everybody except himself. And therefore his needs weren't met, he got really depressed, trying to find help in alcohol and got abusive towards my mom. They got divorced, he chose to be the victim, he couldn't understand why all of that happened. He got diabetes from all the psychological trauma he was causing to himself. Last year he died of a sudden heart-attack, his diabetes deformed the coronary arteries.

I guess I learned people pleasing from him, cos I don't know where else could I have learned it. My mom is the total opposite. She is able to forgive everybody and to live a great life. I often ask for her advice, I can learn a lot from her positive thinking.

I would like to ask something else, maybe someone can explain. My mom and dad were happy together, they got married and had two children. After several years began the problems. I want to know, since we are 100% responsible for our lives but can't be responsible for actions of someone else, how come my mom got in the position of being abused? Do you think she wanted to be (I don't think so) or is it that she had something to learn and attracted her lesson, not consciously for her higher good? Because she took the responsibility for herself and got out of that position. We are responsible for inviting people in our lives but not responsible for how they act? (I mean, if someone treats us badly it is our responsibility not to take it) How are we supposed to know that someone is going to treat us badly, how can we be responsible for people that we invited in our lives if we can't know how they are going to act towards us?

Hi Katja,
When I asked that question I think I was mistakenly thinking that your father was still alive and that you felt guilty about doing things the way you want to and hurting others, so you were people pleasing with him.

I just went back and read your notes and see that you said you got the people pleasing from him.

My question before meant-what kind of support do you need to be able to stop people pleasing and honor yourself while still honoring your Dad.

That doesn't really apply now. So my related thought is to ask if you have any part of you that is triggered by how your dad only pleased others so that it makes you think-I don't want to be a people pleaser, just like my Dad. It is one thing to simply have that belief and another to be affected by it or triggered by it. When we are affected by it, then we usually become it. Our resistance causes it to stick with us.

How cool that you have a mother that you can go to for advice and who models how to take responsibility for yourself.  I hope that clears it up and if not let me know and i'll take another stab at it.
So good to chat with you Katja,
Sharon

Katja,

I can relate to many of the feelings you described.  I too tend to worry more about pleasing others than pleasing myself.  Many times I'm not even sure what I want and when I stop to think about it the first thing I think of is to do the right thing (i.e., please others!).  I thought that I was the only one who, though officially an adult for some time now, still feel like a child at times.  I have recognized that I have had this issue for some time now.  However, it wasn't until I was reading your posts that I actually saw myself as a little girl and could hear my mom accepting praise for how "well behaved" her children were.  She was not overbearing or mean or anything like that but when we were out to eat or visiting at someone's house, we KNEW to mind our manners.

This is, a rather long winded way of thanking you for sharing your experience.  It helped me a tremendous amount and I am grateful to you.  And, here is the beautiful twist.  Here you were on this message board looking to do something to make YOU happy and you wound up making a difference in my life.  As a result you are appreciated for YOU by doing what you needed to to please yourself.

I found the answer I was looking for in the Debbie's show "From self-punishment to self-esteem" about the co-creation of our lives. She said that taking responsibility for our lives and realizing that we co-create our lives is necessary for us not to be a victim, to take our power and do something about our situations. It is not to be used as an excuse to beat ourself up but rather to see it as our soul wanting to learn a lesson we need to learn. I just wanted to share.